Don't ask me what this is about.

I have been feeling pretty disillusioned about everything for some time now. The extra effort to change everything does not seem to work at all. I don't see people who share my passion and interest to do the things that I want to do. Is it me? or is it the rest of the world. Whatever it is, I feel pretty miserable about all this. I wish I could really have some way of finding out whether or not what I am doing will really have some meaningful results. I am not being very optimistic and believing that I will have good results. I just want something meaningful, not the feeling of being let down having to take some wild goose chase or something. I don't see what makes me do the things that I really want to do. Or maybe I am the only nut-case in the world who really has these thoughts. I just wish these few months get over and the middle of March comes soon so all this uncertainty comes to a stop. I am getting desperate and feeling out of my mind and I hate myself for not being able to talk about fears. I go about acting like a super-intelligent something and no one even knows that I am grinding these thoughts in my mind about how I am going to get through. And I have no guts to talk about it. Just scared about my faults being pointed out. Scared that people will tell me the truth that I don't want to hear aloud - that I am not working hard enough, that I am not good enough, that I am so overly optimistic to go about wasting an entire year on something that is so very demanding and that involves loads more of dedication that I am putting into it right now. I do hate my guts for getting into this. Now it is too late to turn around. And I don't have any place to turn around to anyway.
I don't care what you think about all this. Don't even ask me about it.