Rant

As ever the first thought was to run away from the situation into my own world that tries to shut every one out. And that dreaded misery of having to smile and say niceties to people that I don' t want to ever see. The torture of having to see the glee hidden behind their questions when I tell them how jobless I am. I am more than that. I know that I am more than that and I don't need people to tell me that I am not what I think I am. while trying to convince them that I am trying hard, I get convinced that I am really nothing and nobody.
Is everyone else so dependent on what the world thinks and tells them to do? Do these things press everyone down too? Or am I the only nincompoop unable to handle anything. Receiving a laminated sheet that proclaims that I am an engineer, but doesn't convince me that I am one in any way was one of those moments that I want to banish forever from my memory. (Is it just coincidence that these kind of incidents are happening more often than ever now?)
But this is it. I have never been lower than this ever before. And I still don't know if I can go further below, in terms of self worth and balance. I have kept telling myself all my life that I will get that feeling of self worth and the 'guts' to stand up to what I think is right and the strength to face human beings - to break free from that nagging voice in my head that never fails to remind me that I will have to be what they want me to be and not myself. Somehow when that time must have been close at hand.. it seems as impossible as it did years ago.
The next job of mine will be to convince people of something that I am completely unconvinced of myself.