Goodbye 2007

Looking back at the year that 2007 has been, I see that I have had a very mixed year. I had some tough times, some tough decisions and some bad times too. The beginning of 2007, I hardly remember. and I do not even want to recollect some bad days that I had then. A big relief was getting through college, getting a degree!! though I do not think I deserved it. hardly feel like an engineer :-( I made some wrong moves, I lost some things. But I learnt new things, I discovered things for myself and in myself. I found a person inside me that I never knew existed. I spent time for myself, by myself - this came as a blessing because I "unleashed" some energy that I never knew existed. I re-discovered my family. I met some wonderful people, I got back some wonderful friends. It just got better and better towards the end. And I know that 2007 will be a great memory to look back at in some years. I know that I will remember some lovely times spent with lovely people, some brilliant times spent without any people :P
This new year is very important for me, have a very important exam coming up in a month and have a great deal of new things in the pipeline. Lots of fun to look forward to and a lot more of hard work to do. So welcome 2008 and Goodbye 2007. I might look back and sigh at what you brought but I wont miss you at all.
Happy New Year all of you. Hope all your dreams come true!
Best of Luck 2008. Hope everyone grows to love you and remember you as a wonderful year!!

Running away

"Ma, may I go out to play?", "Ma, I am hungry", "Ma, may I jump off this table"... She tried in vain to catch her busy mother's attention. She tried to please her, to catch her attention, to shock her. But her mother didn't seem to care any more.
A year ago, this ugly, pink and pimply kid had come home and she became number two. She was no more the centre of attention and no more the princess. Almost as though she had disappeared, no one doted on her, no one cared.
She looked on as her mother rocked the new kid to sleep and tried to catch her eye as soon as the creature went off to sleep, only to be ticked off by a sharp remark. Her very own mother who would have carried out her every whim and fancy, scolded her now. It was all because of this new creature.
In spite of the fact that its arrival had caused her to fall off her pedestal, she couldn't help liking the new creature. It was cute in a weird sort of way. The way it stared at her through its huge eyes that made it look slightly cross-eyed, and the toothless grin and the way it cried when it was pinched... a little adorable no doubt. But she still wished it had not taken away all her importance in her parents' eyes.
This went on for a long time. Her mother never wanted to listen to her any more. On a particularly bad day, after being shushed and shooed and scolded a little too much, she made up her mind to tell her father and mother that she meant business. She marched up to her mother who was trying to coax the little kid to eat some lunch. She declared in her loudest voice that she had decided to run away from home. There was some silence. She began to feel a little happy that she was being heard finally. Her mother turned around and looked at her. Just when she thought that good days were back again, the kid threw the cup of rice on the floor and with the loud crash that followed, our little heroine's hopes of being heard and loved and cared for were gone again.
Running away was not a really good idea. Her six years of experience told her that she wouldn't last a few hours out there. Where would she go, what would she eat, what would she play with... She surely couldn't carry all her toys with her. She wondered what her parents would do. Would they miss her, would they even search for her...
Then suddenly the idea seemed great to her and she took some toys and an apple and put them into a bag and walked away in a hurry.
Some time later, the little heroine's tired and harassed mother was free of her younger child who finally decided to go to sleep. She had some time to herself now, she decided to go and check on her older daughter who had been very tiresome lately. The mother knew that this was because she needed attention. She never meant to ignore her, but couldn't help it either. The poor child must be so confused, she thought. Maybe she would talk to her over dinner and explain why the young one needed more attention. With these and a hundred other thoughts in her mind, the mother went around searching for her child. A few minutes later, all alone in the huge house, our heroine's mother realised that her daughter was not anywhere there.
A half hour had gone by and the mother was positively scared. She was scurrying around the house and had called out to her darling a thousand times. The younger one had woken up because of the noise and was bawling away. The mother picked up the baby and sped to the terrace for the third time to see if she had missed seeing the child somewhere. She then checked the kitchen and the bedrooms again.
She sank to the floor in sheer exhaustion and worry and racked her brains as to where the little one could have gone. She couldn't be sleeping for so long... She let the baby climb out of her arms and put her head in her hands. Did she really mean it when she said she would run away? The tiny imp had held her attention and so she really couldn't take care of her really well. Her eyes were filling and she cursed herself for being such a bad mother. What would she do now. What if her dear child, wearing a polka dotted dress and an adorably chubby smile, had actually run away?
Just when a million bizarre doubts and fears started cropping up in her mind, she heard her younger daughter giggle. It was a loud giggle and was followed by a strange hissing noise. She looked around the wall to see the baby bending over to look under the cot. She went over to see what the source of amusement was and looked under it. It took a while for her eyes to get accustomed to the dark. What she saw there filled her with a sense of immense relief at first and then fury and then amusement and then finally a lot of sadness. She dragged our audacious little heroine from her hiding place and hugged her close though she had a good mind to spank her...
That evening she sat with her two daughters as they ate dinner. They had learnt some lessons that day that they would never forget. The mother had learnt that both her daughters needed her love and time. She learnt that her daughter could teach her a lesson in a very bitter way(it put her on guard for the rest of her life). The young heroine learnt that the imp was here to stay, that she would continue to foil all her plans for the rest of her life...but more importantly, that her mother actually did love her.

The Message You sent

A blooming bud
The call of a bird
The shrill cry of a vendor
A child running with all his might
so he doesn't miss his school bus.

The light grows
Last night's quiet goes
The world wakes up
The insects hurry back
into their dark, hidden homes

With the sun
a new day is born
A fresh hope is kindled
The entire land wakes up,
breathes, smiles, celebrates. Unlearns.

I watch amazed
This thought inside me blazes
that I cannot ever count
the number of magical mornings
that I have wasted

These precious, pristine moments
spent inside walls of indifference and cement
Snoring, slumbering, spent away
But not anymore.
I received the Message You sent.

Numb

Motionless for a long time, my foot was numb. I looked down from the screen at my foot. I tried to move it a little fearing the sudden throb of feeling that the rush of blood would bring. And when it did come I winced and hurriedly took my foot in my hands and rubbed it. The icy cold floor and my icier hands - my feet felt like hell.
Resting is good. But too much of it can hurt, just like it did now to me. Move on. Don't stop. This winter has a zillion more things for you to go through. Rest if you must, but don't stop.

The evil magician

I walked past him in a hurry every time I had to. I literally ran. I kept telling myself that I would not look up. I could not risk it. I reminded myself of the last time this happened. I shuddered and hurried away. The voice beckoned. I was one room away and yet I could feel the pull. I had to go back there yet again. I had to sit in the same room where he had his throne and his magnetic pull and the voice resonating between the walls. Reluctantly, I sat down. I wished I wasn't so weak. I wished I had a good, engrossing magazine to leaf through. I fished out the newspaper from under a dozen books and held it up between us. Not once did I look up again. Then it happened. I forgot to tell myself repeatedly not to look up. I let my guard slip for just a moment. I weakened my resolve just for a moment. A sudden flurry of activity and that voice again ( "Is that a voice or is it music?") I looked up. My eyes met his. And I was lost. Image after image formed in my mind. I stopped thinking. I stopped feeling. The world came to a standstill. My broken resolve lay there on the floor. I stepped over it to get closer to him, see him more clearly, hear him better. There I was hypnotized. The black magic spun around me. It minced my brain. Listening to every word, believing the endless web of lies, swallowing all the nonsense that spluttered out. I smiled, I sighed, I groaned, I cried with him...On and on. Forever and ever. Lies, lies and more lies...


This could have gone on for a good number of hours if the power had not gone off. I am so relieved that the TV wont get switched on for a few more hours now. Till then I will remain myself - unzombified, un-hypnotized. *Phew! That was close*

What was she thinking about...

She watched as her little one
played his innocent games
Passive, tired and faraway.
I wonder what went on
behind those shallow eyes
and that emotionless face.
Maybe she was just sick
of the shows on TV or
of her dull, small town place.
Maybe she thought
of her long lost dreams,
of promises made yesterday.
Probably waiting for nightfall
to end the drab day
Maybe she just wanted to run away.

Free rice!

I found this great game on the net - www.freerice.com
If you can simply go over to this website to play the game in spite of knowing that it does someone some good, good for you, go ahead and play it...

Why am I being so bitter?? Because it is the truth. No one really wants to do anything for anybody else. We live in a closed world that is so much about ourselves and our needs and wants and miseries. Do we really care that there millions dying?Ha! And that is what is making me so sulky and irritable. Ha! Why do you care...

Don't ask me what this is about.

I have been feeling pretty disillusioned about everything for some time now. The extra effort to change everything does not seem to work at all. I don't see people who share my passion and interest to do the things that I want to do. Is it me? or is it the rest of the world. Whatever it is, I feel pretty miserable about all this. I wish I could really have some way of finding out whether or not what I am doing will really have some meaningful results. I am not being very optimistic and believing that I will have good results. I just want something meaningful, not the feeling of being let down having to take some wild goose chase or something. I don't see what makes me do the things that I really want to do. Or maybe I am the only nut-case in the world who really has these thoughts. I just wish these few months get over and the middle of March comes soon so all this uncertainty comes to a stop. I am getting desperate and feeling out of my mind and I hate myself for not being able to talk about fears. I go about acting like a super-intelligent something and no one even knows that I am grinding these thoughts in my mind about how I am going to get through. And I have no guts to talk about it. Just scared about my faults being pointed out. Scared that people will tell me the truth that I don't want to hear aloud - that I am not working hard enough, that I am not good enough, that I am so overly optimistic to go about wasting an entire year on something that is so very demanding and that involves loads more of dedication that I am putting into it right now. I do hate my guts for getting into this. Now it is too late to turn around. And I don't have any place to turn around to anyway.
I don't care what you think about all this. Don't even ask me about it.

The rain and you.

Still. Icy. Dark. Beautiful - green against grey
Breeze. Flutter. First drops.
The smell of earth.

Volatile. Ups. Downs. Deep brown eyes.
Smiles. Laughter. Tears and fears.
The feeling of being loved.

Rhymed. Not reasoned.

Judge me, categorize me
Don't love me, just analyze me
Hex me, traumatize me
Check me, penalize me

Fool me, make me do what you say
Maroon me, if I dare go astray
Chain me, so I don't get away
Debrain me, so I don't talk back some day

Lie to me, don't ever tell me the truth
Hide it from me, so I have the brains of a boot
Begrime me, cover me with soot
Undermine me, dont care two hoots

Beat me, when I ask you why
Don't teach me, make me shut my eyes
Hate me, don't even pretend to try
to educate me, just leave me dry

I end up like you. Lettered.
Yes I can write my name.
But I still am fettered
It's such a crying shame.
Tomorrow, someone else is sure
To sing these lines back to me.
Then should I say it is your
fault that I am what I be?