As ever the first thought was to run away from the situation into my own world that tries to shut every one out. And that dreaded misery of having to smile and say niceties to people that I don' t want to ever see. The torture of having to see the glee hidden behind their questions when I tell them how jobless I am. I am more than that. I know that I am more than that and I don't need people to tell me that I am not what I think I am. while trying to convince them that I am trying hard, I get convinced that I am really nothing and nobody.
Is everyone else so dependent on what the world thinks and tells them to do? Do these things press everyone down too? Or am I the only nincompoop unable to handle anything. Receiving a laminated sheet that proclaims that I am an engineer, but doesn't convince me that I am one in any way was one of those moments that I want to banish forever from my memory. (Is it just coincidence that these kind of incidents are happening more often than ever now?)
But this is it. I have never been lower than this ever before. And I still don't know if I can go further below, in terms of self worth and balance. I have kept telling myself all my life that I will get that feeling of self worth and the 'guts' to stand up to what I think is right and the strength to face human beings - to break free from that nagging voice in my head that never fails to remind me that I will have to be what they want me to be and not myself. Somehow when that time must have been close at hand.. it seems as impossible as it did years ago.
The next job of mine will be to convince people of something that I am completely unconvinced of myself.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Monday, March 17, 2008
Goodbye blog
I decided to say goodbye to one of my blogs. I just realized that I was putting up all that stuff there for myself. I would like to read my thoughts the day I am in a position to realize them. I do need people to carry out these ideas, but I do not need people to approve of them or put them down. I just need the blog as a thought register. I did not intend to write the blog for gaining popularity as a "thinker" or an "altruist". So there is no point in me flaunting and advertising it at all.
It is not completely destroyed. I just made it harder to get to for others, that is all.
I know I will do what I want to do someday. So I don't need people to tell me whether I can/should or not.
If you wish to reach me with your ideas, if you think that closing the blog closed a channel of communication you are welcome to write to me - ruling(dot)world(at)gmail(dot)com
It is not completely destroyed. I just made it harder to get to for others, that is all.
I know I will do what I want to do someday. So I don't need people to tell me whether I can/should or not.
If you wish to reach me with your ideas, if you think that closing the blog closed a channel of communication you are welcome to write to me - ruling(dot)world(at)gmail(dot)com
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Bring it on?
Man has continually striven to eliminate the risks to his existence. Against natural forces he built shelters. He eventually even figured out how to use these potent forces to his own advantage. He caged off or killed animals that posed a threat ( or didn't pose one, it didn't matter) From being terrified of everything around him, he has come a long way. He has mastered natural forces and views them with disdain. He even considers himself a saviour of sorts by talking about 'environmental issues' as though nature was having a major malfunction of its own and he had nothing to do with it in the first place. But like it is with life, things get tougher and more complicated.
Man has found a great challenge - greater than any other. The challenge is so complex that it does not show itself explicitly and make itself known. Instead it creeps underground and waits and watches and plans to bring humankind down slowly and steadily. Man has identified this challenge and changes have begun to take place in his psyche.
Have you ever wondered about how when the earth is teeming with people man is eternally lonely? Why does he find newer ways of eliminating the need for human company? Why is he dedicated to creating things like portable music players and mobile phones and networks that enable perfectly impersonal transactions of anything under the sun and substitute humans? Man considers every other man his rival, his challenger who is out to destroy him. Not only in terms of physical necessities - natural resources that get depleted etc. Man finds other people a threat to his emotional existence. He finds himself incapable of dealing with other people who may enter his 'emotional territory'. He puts on masks, so much so that he begins to take those masks for his own nature. But this is not a sign of weakness. It is not the end of the road for the human species. It is another of his survival tactics.
People will stop trying to kill each other in the name of religion and region. They will find easier and more effective ways of eliminating those that will challenge his existence and space and comfort. This means of elimination will not include killing. It will be the rise of a new way of life and thinking in man that will allow him to live independent of anyone else. He will free himself from anything that might cause him to give a thought about other creatures.
That day is not far from now. People are beginning to embrace that way of life more than ever now. Emotions, bonding and need for company will be removed from man's mental makeup sooner than we can analyse or even see this change coming.
Brace yourself and even better get tuned to the new way of life where the only people you will want to see will be people on a screen who can talk to you, but whom you need not talk back to, and you will not be required to give back to others, you will be free to live for no one but yourself, you will no longer crave for human company but will be stifled by it... Not too far away. The future is almost here.
Man has found a great challenge - greater than any other. The challenge is so complex that it does not show itself explicitly and make itself known. Instead it creeps underground and waits and watches and plans to bring humankind down slowly and steadily. Man has identified this challenge and changes have begun to take place in his psyche.
Have you ever wondered about how when the earth is teeming with people man is eternally lonely? Why does he find newer ways of eliminating the need for human company? Why is he dedicated to creating things like portable music players and mobile phones and networks that enable perfectly impersonal transactions of anything under the sun and substitute humans? Man considers every other man his rival, his challenger who is out to destroy him. Not only in terms of physical necessities - natural resources that get depleted etc. Man finds other people a threat to his emotional existence. He finds himself incapable of dealing with other people who may enter his 'emotional territory'. He puts on masks, so much so that he begins to take those masks for his own nature. But this is not a sign of weakness. It is not the end of the road for the human species. It is another of his survival tactics.
People will stop trying to kill each other in the name of religion and region. They will find easier and more effective ways of eliminating those that will challenge his existence and space and comfort. This means of elimination will not include killing. It will be the rise of a new way of life and thinking in man that will allow him to live independent of anyone else. He will free himself from anything that might cause him to give a thought about other creatures.
That day is not far from now. People are beginning to embrace that way of life more than ever now. Emotions, bonding and need for company will be removed from man's mental makeup sooner than we can analyse or even see this change coming.
Brace yourself and even better get tuned to the new way of life where the only people you will want to see will be people on a screen who can talk to you, but whom you need not talk back to, and you will not be required to give back to others, you will be free to live for no one but yourself, you will no longer crave for human company but will be stifled by it... Not too far away. The future is almost here.
Monday, December 31, 2007
Goodbye 2007
Looking back at the year that 2007 has been, I see that I have had a very mixed year. I had some tough times, some tough decisions and some bad times too. The beginning of 2007, I hardly remember. and I do not even want to recollect some bad days that I had then. A big relief was getting through college, getting a degree!! though I do not think I deserved it. hardly feel like an engineer :-( I made some wrong moves, I lost some things. But I learnt new things, I discovered things for myself and in myself. I found a person inside me that I never knew existed. I spent time for myself, by myself - this came as a blessing because I "unleashed" some energy that I never knew existed. I re-discovered my family. I met some wonderful people, I got back some wonderful friends. It just got better and better towards the end. And I know that 2007 will be a great memory to look back at in some years. I know that I will remember some lovely times spent with lovely people, some brilliant times spent without any people :P
This new year is very important for me, have a very important exam coming up in a month and have a great deal of new things in the pipeline. Lots of fun to look forward to and a lot more of hard work to do. So welcome 2008 and Goodbye 2007. I might look back and sigh at what you brought but I wont miss you at all.
Happy New Year all of you. Hope all your dreams come true!
Best of Luck 2008. Hope everyone grows to love you and remember you as a wonderful year!!
This new year is very important for me, have a very important exam coming up in a month and have a great deal of new things in the pipeline. Lots of fun to look forward to and a lot more of hard work to do. So welcome 2008 and Goodbye 2007. I might look back and sigh at what you brought but I wont miss you at all.
Happy New Year all of you. Hope all your dreams come true!
Best of Luck 2008. Hope everyone grows to love you and remember you as a wonderful year!!
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Running away
"Ma, may I go out to play?", "Ma, I am hungry", "Ma, may I jump off this table"... She tried in vain to catch her busy mother's attention. She tried to please her, to catch her attention, to shock her. But her mother didn't seem to care any more.
A year ago, this ugly, pink and pimply kid had come home and she became number two. She was no more the centre of attention and no more the princess. Almost as though she had disappeared, no one doted on her, no one cared.
She looked on as her mother rocked the new kid to sleep and tried to catch her eye as soon as the creature went off to sleep, only to be ticked off by a sharp remark. Her very own mother who would have carried out her every whim and fancy, scolded her now. It was all because of this new creature.
In spite of the fact that its arrival had caused her to fall off her pedestal, she couldn't help liking the new creature. It was cute in a weird sort of way. The way it stared at her through its huge eyes that made it look slightly cross-eyed, and the toothless grin and the way it cried when it was pinched... a little adorable no doubt. But she still wished it had not taken away all her importance in her parents' eyes.
This went on for a long time. Her mother never wanted to listen to her any more. On a particularly bad day, after being shushed and shooed and scolded a little too much, she made up her mind to tell her father and mother that she meant business. She marched up to her mother who was trying to coax the little kid to eat some lunch. She declared in her loudest voice that she had decided to run away from home. There was some silence. She began to feel a little happy that she was being heard finally. Her mother turned around and looked at her. Just when she thought that good days were back again, the kid threw the cup of rice on the floor and with the loud crash that followed, our little heroine's hopes of being heard and loved and cared for were gone again.
Running away was not a really good idea. Her six years of experience told her that she wouldn't last a few hours out there. Where would she go, what would she eat, what would she play with... She surely couldn't carry all her toys with her. She wondered what her parents would do. Would they miss her, would they even search for her...
Then suddenly the idea seemed great to her and she took some toys and an apple and put them into a bag and walked away in a hurry.
Some time later, the little heroine's tired and harassed mother was free of her younger child who finally decided to go to sleep. She had some time to herself now, she decided to go and check on her older daughter who had been very tiresome lately. The mother knew that this was because she needed attention. She never meant to ignore her, but couldn't help it either. The poor child must be so confused, she thought. Maybe she would talk to her over dinner and explain why the young one needed more attention. With these and a hundred other thoughts in her mind, the mother went around searching for her child. A few minutes later, all alone in the huge house, our heroine's mother realised that her daughter was not anywhere there.
A half hour had gone by and the mother was positively scared. She was scurrying around the house and had called out to her darling a thousand times. The younger one had woken up because of the noise and was bawling away. The mother picked up the baby and sped to the terrace for the third time to see if she had missed seeing the child somewhere. She then checked the kitchen and the bedrooms again.
She sank to the floor in sheer exhaustion and worry and racked her brains as to where the little one could have gone. She couldn't be sleeping for so long... She let the baby climb out of her arms and put her head in her hands. Did she really mean it when she said she would run away? The tiny imp had held her attention and so she really couldn't take care of her really well. Her eyes were filling and she cursed herself for being such a bad mother. What would she do now. What if her dear child, wearing a polka dotted dress and an adorably chubby smile, had actually run away?
Just when a million bizarre doubts and fears started cropping up in her mind, she heard her younger daughter giggle. It was a loud giggle and was followed by a strange hissing noise. She looked around the wall to see the baby bending over to look under the cot. She went over to see what the source of amusement was and looked under it. It took a while for her eyes to get accustomed to the dark. What she saw there filled her with a sense of immense relief at first and then fury and then amusement and then finally a lot of sadness. She dragged our audacious little heroine from her hiding place and hugged her close though she had a good mind to spank her...
That evening she sat with her two daughters as they ate dinner. They had learnt some lessons that day that they would never forget. The mother had learnt that both her daughters needed her love and time. She learnt that her daughter could teach her a lesson in a very bitter way(it put her on guard for the rest of her life). The young heroine learnt that the imp was here to stay, that she would continue to foil all her plans for the rest of her life...but more importantly, that her mother actually did love her.
A year ago, this ugly, pink and pimply kid had come home and she became number two. She was no more the centre of attention and no more the princess. Almost as though she had disappeared, no one doted on her, no one cared.
She looked on as her mother rocked the new kid to sleep and tried to catch her eye as soon as the creature went off to sleep, only to be ticked off by a sharp remark. Her very own mother who would have carried out her every whim and fancy, scolded her now. It was all because of this new creature.
In spite of the fact that its arrival had caused her to fall off her pedestal, she couldn't help liking the new creature. It was cute in a weird sort of way. The way it stared at her through its huge eyes that made it look slightly cross-eyed, and the toothless grin and the way it cried when it was pinched... a little adorable no doubt. But she still wished it had not taken away all her importance in her parents' eyes.
This went on for a long time. Her mother never wanted to listen to her any more. On a particularly bad day, after being shushed and shooed and scolded a little too much, she made up her mind to tell her father and mother that she meant business. She marched up to her mother who was trying to coax the little kid to eat some lunch. She declared in her loudest voice that she had decided to run away from home. There was some silence. She began to feel a little happy that she was being heard finally. Her mother turned around and looked at her. Just when she thought that good days were back again, the kid threw the cup of rice on the floor and with the loud crash that followed, our little heroine's hopes of being heard and loved and cared for were gone again.
Running away was not a really good idea. Her six years of experience told her that she wouldn't last a few hours out there. Where would she go, what would she eat, what would she play with... She surely couldn't carry all her toys with her. She wondered what her parents would do. Would they miss her, would they even search for her...
Then suddenly the idea seemed great to her and she took some toys and an apple and put them into a bag and walked away in a hurry.
Some time later, the little heroine's tired and harassed mother was free of her younger child who finally decided to go to sleep. She had some time to herself now, she decided to go and check on her older daughter who had been very tiresome lately. The mother knew that this was because she needed attention. She never meant to ignore her, but couldn't help it either. The poor child must be so confused, she thought. Maybe she would talk to her over dinner and explain why the young one needed more attention. With these and a hundred other thoughts in her mind, the mother went around searching for her child. A few minutes later, all alone in the huge house, our heroine's mother realised that her daughter was not anywhere there.
A half hour had gone by and the mother was positively scared. She was scurrying around the house and had called out to her darling a thousand times. The younger one had woken up because of the noise and was bawling away. The mother picked up the baby and sped to the terrace for the third time to see if she had missed seeing the child somewhere. She then checked the kitchen and the bedrooms again.
She sank to the floor in sheer exhaustion and worry and racked her brains as to where the little one could have gone. She couldn't be sleeping for so long... She let the baby climb out of her arms and put her head in her hands. Did she really mean it when she said she would run away? The tiny imp had held her attention and so she really couldn't take care of her really well. Her eyes were filling and she cursed herself for being such a bad mother. What would she do now. What if her dear child, wearing a polka dotted dress and an adorably chubby smile, had actually run away?
Just when a million bizarre doubts and fears started cropping up in her mind, she heard her younger daughter giggle. It was a loud giggle and was followed by a strange hissing noise. She looked around the wall to see the baby bending over to look under the cot. She went over to see what the source of amusement was and looked under it. It took a while for her eyes to get accustomed to the dark. What she saw there filled her with a sense of immense relief at first and then fury and then amusement and then finally a lot of sadness. She dragged our audacious little heroine from her hiding place and hugged her close though she had a good mind to spank her...
That evening she sat with her two daughters as they ate dinner. They had learnt some lessons that day that they would never forget. The mother had learnt that both her daughters needed her love and time. She learnt that her daughter could teach her a lesson in a very bitter way(it put her on guard for the rest of her life). The young heroine learnt that the imp was here to stay, that she would continue to foil all her plans for the rest of her life...but more importantly, that her mother actually did love her.
Friday, December 14, 2007
The Message You sent
A blooming bud
The call of a bird
The shrill cry of a vendor
A child running with all his might
so he doesn't miss his school bus.
The light grows
Last night's quiet goes
The world wakes up
The insects hurry back
into their dark, hidden homes
With the sun
a new day is born
A fresh hope is kindled
The entire land wakes up,
breathes, smiles, celebrates. Unlearns.
I watch amazed
This thought inside me blazes
that I cannot ever count
the number of magical mornings
that I have wasted
These precious, pristine moments
spent inside walls of indifference and cement
Snoring, slumbering, spent away
But not anymore.
I received the Message You sent.
The call of a bird
The shrill cry of a vendor
A child running with all his might
so he doesn't miss his school bus.
The light grows
Last night's quiet goes
The world wakes up
The insects hurry back
into their dark, hidden homes
With the sun
a new day is born
A fresh hope is kindled
The entire land wakes up,
breathes, smiles, celebrates. Unlearns.
I watch amazed
This thought inside me blazes
that I cannot ever count
the number of magical mornings
that I have wasted
These precious, pristine moments
spent inside walls of indifference and cement
Snoring, slumbering, spent away
But not anymore.
I received the Message You sent.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Numb
Motionless for a long time, my foot was numb. I looked down from the screen at my foot. I tried to move it a little fearing the sudden throb of feeling that the rush of blood would bring. And when it did come I winced and hurriedly took my foot in my hands and rubbed it. The icy cold floor and my icier hands - my feet felt like hell.
Resting is good. But too much of it can hurt, just like it did now to me. Move on. Don't stop. This winter has a zillion more things for you to go through. Rest if you must, but don't stop.
Resting is good. But too much of it can hurt, just like it did now to me. Move on. Don't stop. This winter has a zillion more things for you to go through. Rest if you must, but don't stop.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
The evil magician
I walked past him in a hurry every time I had to. I literally ran. I kept telling myself that I would not look up. I could not risk it. I reminded myself of the last time this happened. I shuddered and hurried away. The voice beckoned. I was one room away and yet I could feel the pull. I had to go back there yet again. I had to sit in the same room where he had his throne and his magnetic pull and the voice resonating between the walls. Reluctantly, I sat down. I wished I wasn't so weak. I wished I had a good, engrossing magazine to leaf through. I fished out the newspaper from under a dozen books and held it up between us. Not once did I look up again. Then it happened. I forgot to tell myself repeatedly not to look up. I let my guard slip for just a moment. I weakened my resolve just for a moment. A sudden flurry of activity and that voice again ( "Is that a voice or is it music?") I looked up. My eyes met his. And I was lost. Image after image formed in my mind. I stopped thinking. I stopped feeling. The world came to a standstill. My broken resolve lay there on the floor. I stepped over it to get closer to him, see him more clearly, hear him better. There I was hypnotized. The black magic spun around me. It minced my brain. Listening to every word, believing the endless web of lies, swallowing all the nonsense that spluttered out. I smiled, I sighed, I groaned, I cried with him...On and on. Forever and ever. Lies, lies and more lies...
This could have gone on for a good number of hours if the power had not gone off. I am so relieved that the TV wont get switched on for a few more hours now. Till then I will remain myself - unzombified, un-hypnotized. *Phew! That was close*
This could have gone on for a good number of hours if the power had not gone off. I am so relieved that the TV wont get switched on for a few more hours now. Till then I will remain myself - unzombified, un-hypnotized. *Phew! That was close*
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
What was she thinking about...
She watched as her little one
played his innocent games
Passive, tired and faraway.
I wonder what went on
behind those shallow eyes
and that emotionless face.
Maybe she was just sick
of the shows on TV or
of her dull, small town place.
Maybe she thought
of her long lost dreams,
of promises made yesterday.
Probably waiting for nightfall
to end the drab day
Maybe she just wanted to run away.
played his innocent games
Passive, tired and faraway.
I wonder what went on
behind those shallow eyes
and that emotionless face.
Maybe she was just sick
of the shows on TV or
of her dull, small town place.
Maybe she thought
of her long lost dreams,
of promises made yesterday.
Probably waiting for nightfall
to end the drab day
Maybe she just wanted to run away.
Friday, November 2, 2007
Free rice!
I found this great game on the net - www.freerice.com
If you can simply go over to this website to play the game in spite of knowing that it does someone some good, good for you, go ahead and play it...
Why am I being so bitter?? Because it is the truth. No one really wants to do anything for anybody else. We live in a closed world that is so much about ourselves and our needs and wants and miseries. Do we really care that there millions dying?Ha! And that is what is making me so sulky and irritable. Ha! Why do you care...
If you can simply go over to this website to play the game in spite of knowing that it does someone some good, good for you, go ahead and play it...
Why am I being so bitter?? Because it is the truth. No one really wants to do anything for anybody else. We live in a closed world that is so much about ourselves and our needs and wants and miseries. Do we really care that there millions dying?Ha! And that is what is making me so sulky and irritable. Ha! Why do you care...
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