18 July 2004:
Around two years ago, my brain functioned in a way that made me believe entirely that I was invincible. I held on so tight to my opinions and beliefs that I felt no one and nothing can make me change them. I was great and my world was simply superb. Nothing forced me into taking decisions I did not want to make. I was my king. If I listened to and obeyed someone it was my own wish to do so. No force. I never had to do anything that I did not want to. Sometime later I thought that my life wasn't my own. But considering my situation now, my life was definitely mine till now. I am living my life for somebody else. My choices are not my own. Where is that confidence and independence that I thought would come with adulthood. When I was young and hated school and homework, I used to dream about responsibility and respect from others. I dreamt about the rights I would get. I waited impatiently when I was 16 to be 18. Now two days from that mark in my life, I wonder what I was so impatient about. What made me think that I would be powerful and great when I become 18 I don't know....
27 August 2006
I cannot believe this...I was so eager to grow old. I was so eager to be thought of as an adult - respected, not sidelined and ignored and insulted. But now I am one and I don't think I really enjoy it. I am still insulted, I am still pushed to a corner. I am still treated like an idiot.
I never wanted to grow up in a world that has these kind of people. No one seems to think straight, no one seems to want to behave responsibly. No love, no care. Only "I". Self-centred and selfish people who manipulate others...
I really wonder as to what those incidents were that sparked off these angry words. I honestly do not know who I was calling self-centred etc. But I am still disappointed. I still remember being a child in school, hating the thought of going there. Dreaming about adulthood.
Now here I am, thinking about childhood and those sunny, fun days. Games, life, friends, hops and jumps - not measured steps.
I guess I will always be dissatisfied with what I have. I used to dream then about the future, now I think about the past. That alone has not changed.
2 comments:
I wish i could re-live those days when i was prancing around care-free, not worrying about anything, I miss those days, and i can undersatnd how u feel.....
I feel that the innocence in our life vanishes as we age. Either we lose it, or it is worn-off in the harsh encounters we face in our so called adult-life leaving us as what we are now, so i think it is upto us to preserve it ( It is hard though ), but need to keep trying.......
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